I wouldn't say this is a companion piece to an older essay, but it is a spiritual successor. Despite the fact that lots of different thoughts have been percolating, I feel as though I would be remiss if I didn't self-indulge about how I feel about my writing, especially now that I've finished, essentially, six days of uninterrupted writing. And the way I feel about my writing is pretty much this:
I tried something different this year, which isn't unusual--I am doing my best to grow as a writer, which means that I put arbitrary challenges on myself to see what happens and how I can improve (as well as what mistakes to avoid in the future)--but I may have gone a little too far.
Firstly, I didn't have a single word written* before I went down. The past couple of years, I was in the middle (or near the beginning) of a book when I headed for the cabin. This time, however, despite knowing the characters, having the plan, and in all other things being ready for the writing, I didn't even have the words "Chapter One" written. Not having that foundation was something that took a little getting used to. I had to discover the voice of my main character--to figure out her in every way, as a matter of fact--which slowed me down at the beginning. I also had to throw away a lot of ideas (probably close to fifteen different potential scenes*) between when I started and when I ended, which I think came about because of that lack of understanding the character from the outset.
Secondly, I wrote a lot. Despite the challenges, I've never been more productive. Here's a screen capture of my spreadsheet, which I use to document how long of a chapter I've written, how long it took to write it, and the total amount of words.
This is one sheet. The week after I went up by myself, I returned with my writing group and did the whole thing over again. I wasn't quite as productive (squeezing out 30,000 words during the second round), but it's still a remarkable amount. I'm almost done with novel, surprisingly, hitting about 78,000 words and still needing to write another 10-12,000 before I'm finished (I've four or five chapters left, and you can see how long each chapter is).
So why is this a problem? I may have burned myself out. I wrote in a week more than what is expected to be written in a month of NaNoWriMo, and the exhaustion of being in that world for such a sustained amount of time--and the "fed up-ness" of that experience--is also real. I haven't finished the story, and my drive to write it is low. I feel a touch of malaise when I think about the book; I don't want to return to it, despite having been home and having free time. I find other things to do, including reading, playing video games, or spending too much time at the bookstore. Why should I go back to a story that I'm (dare I say?) bored of?
And that leads to thirdly:
I feel like I've accomplished basically nothing. It's common when I finish NaNoWriMo stories (two years so far, though I don't know if I'm going to go for a hat trick; they are exhausting) to feel like what I wrote is crap, I'm crap, and everything is basically crap. It doesn't help that, whilst with my mates on the retreat, I got another rejection (this time from someone who showed interest in the story on Twitter, but passed on pursuing the project any further after having read the first 50 pages).
I guess I'm saying that I'm a fragile snowflake and that the idea of writing more makes me want to fall to pieces.
So, despite being "successful" with my retreat, I'm farther away from finishing it than when I started.
Blah.
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* By written, I mean of the rough draft. I go with an outline, worldbuilding elements, and even images (I didn't get to the map this time, but I'm working on it now) so that I can write the story. I "prewrite" in that I imagine the scenes in my head until I can sit down and write them. So all of that advanced work was done before I went up.
** As I mentioned before, I use note cards to outline my scenes. They're more mobile--I can shift their order, as well as jump around to different scenes (like a director can while making a movie) and not feel out of sync. They also direct each chapter I write, so I can tell if where I am and where I thought I wanted to go are in the same direction. So the discarded scenes were note cards, not fully written chapters or scenes.
 |
| "Are you enjoying the creation of your book?" "Yeah!......*sobs*." (Source) |
Firstly, I didn't have a single word written* before I went down. The past couple of years, I was in the middle (or near the beginning) of a book when I headed for the cabin. This time, however, despite knowing the characters, having the plan, and in all other things being ready for the writing, I didn't even have the words "Chapter One" written. Not having that foundation was something that took a little getting used to. I had to discover the voice of my main character--to figure out her in every way, as a matter of fact--which slowed me down at the beginning. I also had to throw away a lot of ideas (probably close to fifteen different potential scenes*) between when I started and when I ended, which I think came about because of that lack of understanding the character from the outset.
Secondly, I wrote a lot. Despite the challenges, I've never been more productive. Here's a screen capture of my spreadsheet, which I use to document how long of a chapter I've written, how long it took to write it, and the total amount of words.
 |
| The top right corner is probably the most interesting piece, though Day 3 is a personal record. |
So why is this a problem? I may have burned myself out. I wrote in a week more than what is expected to be written in a month of NaNoWriMo, and the exhaustion of being in that world for such a sustained amount of time--and the "fed up-ness" of that experience--is also real. I haven't finished the story, and my drive to write it is low. I feel a touch of malaise when I think about the book; I don't want to return to it, despite having been home and having free time. I find other things to do, including reading, playing video games, or spending too much time at the bookstore. Why should I go back to a story that I'm (dare I say?) bored of?
And that leads to thirdly:
 |
| I don't know if there's a single thing here that isn't accurate. (Source) |
I guess I'm saying that I'm a fragile snowflake and that the idea of writing more makes me want to fall to pieces.
 |
| No criticism, please. I'm fragile. (Source) |
So, despite being "successful" with my retreat, I'm farther away from finishing it than when I started.
Blah.
----
* By written, I mean of the rough draft. I go with an outline, worldbuilding elements, and even images (I didn't get to the map this time, but I'm working on it now) so that I can write the story. I "prewrite" in that I imagine the scenes in my head until I can sit down and write them. So all of that advanced work was done before I went up.
** As I mentioned before, I use note cards to outline my scenes. They're more mobile--I can shift their order, as well as jump around to different scenes (like a director can while making a movie) and not feel out of sync. They also direct each chapter I write, so I can tell if where I am and where I thought I wanted to go are in the same direction. So the discarded scenes were note cards, not fully written chapters or scenes.