Life can be pretty great. In my case, I have a job I love, a wife I adore, kids I care about, and a new home that still doesn't feel like mine, but it's growing on me.
I'm also really paranoid about the idea that it's a house of cards that is leaning over a precipice. Maybe it's because I talked about Peter today in my classes, reading an essay about his heart condition that I read every year. That 'Best Scar' essay is something that 1) always makes me cry, and 2) puts me in a different mind frame.
The first happens because it is most likely the best written thing I've ever done (though not without its faults), and it hurts to see how I have changed in relation to Peter. As he's grown, our personalities often clash. Part of what I weep for is the fact that I feel differently about him than when I first wrote the essay.
And that's what sets me in a different mind frame. My parenting is not particularly adroit. I run hot quickly and with little provocation. It doesn't change the hardship we went through to keep Peter alive, but it is hard to fully understand as I've grown and changed.
I'm sure there's more to my feelings of insecurity than that, but I know this is part of the issue.
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