There are differences between guilt and shame. I like what Dr. Burgo outlines in the linked article. Since I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, both of those concepts are something that is not only discussed, but even preached, particularly about guilt. For example, Elder David A. Bednar, in a General Conference address, said a variation of what I've heard in one form or another throughout my life: "Guilt is to our spirit what pain is to our body—a warning of danger and a protection from additional damage."
These two definitions aren't seamless. The doctor's point of view is that it is what we fear about others--their feelings, their lives, their thoughts toward us--and the harm we cause them that triggers the feeling of guilt. For the theologian, it is an internal thing, one about personal choices that aren't kosher. If Dr. Burgo's distinction were applied, Elder Bednar here is talking about shame.
In line with Dr. Burgo's argument that "core shame reflects early psychological damage that impedes growth; the capacity to feel guilt depends upon that psychological growth and could be seen as emotional progress", there is such a thing as "toxic shame". This is discussed, of all places, in a Spider-Man essay anthology I purchased shortly after my first son was born, now almost 10 years ago. In Webslinger: Unauthorized Essays on Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man, Joseph McCabe makes a case for "toxic shame", which he argues is manifested in the Sam Raimi films but not so much in the first decade of Stan Lee's exploration of the character.
He defines toxic shame this way, citing John Bradshaw: "the all-pervasive sense that one is flawed and defective as a human being...it is like internal bleeding" (107). Along with his likely agreement with Dr. Burgo's delineation between shame and guilt, McCabe argues that the film Spider-Man/Peter Parker is dealing with the concept of not being a good person--that his actions have hurt too many people (guilt) and that means he himself is an inferior human being (shame--toxic shame).
I don't disagree with the analysis, necessarily, and I find it's useful to consider here. I've often quipped that, being a Mormon, my superpower is being able to feel guilty, and that's likely true. But I probably have conflated guilt and shame. I certainly know that I have a tendency to mentally abuse myself when I have an enjoyable day (like I did today) at the expense of someone else's sacrifice (like my mother-in-law, who had to watch the boys because I was off enjoying the day with my wife).
In my church, because there's so much talk of service--its benefits, its godliness, its compunction for a card-carrying member--a lack of serving can shift from guilt (that someone was negatively affected because of my actions) into shame (I'm an unworthy person because of what I've done). Couple with the fact that worthiness is such a large section of Mormonic (not a word, but ought to be) doctrine, replete with interviews, confessionals, prayers (not rote nor assigned, but nathless expected), and--yes--service, it creates a feedback loop. I wrote recently about not wanting* to serve my school, and how I struggle to go beyond myself. That sentiment could be repeated on the weekly as I go to assist with the Cub Scouts in my neighborhood.
The thing is, I keep bumping up against the past experiences of helping and personally benefiting from it (avoiding both guilt and shame) and warring with myself about my own selfish desires. It reminds me of Eek! The Cat, a '90s cartoon show that was probably way too violent and hence was taken off the air.
Every time Eek goes out of his way to help someone, he ends up getting hurt. That's the whole gag of the show: Teach kids, by painful example, that helping others and self-sacrifice will damage you. It's a rather Randian way of thinking about things, I guess. Anyway, maybe I internalized that lesson to some degree, because there are plenty of other times in my life when I helped someone out and I regretted it. While serving others can be a good panacea for the pain-wracked soul, it sometimes trickles out in other directions, too, and service isn't always a primrose path.
This is hard, because avoiding service leads to guilt and shame, and those are, according to Elder Bednar, pain-spasms of the soul. I guess I will have to learn how to better listen to these lessons and avoid what hurts.
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* The experience ended up being very positive and I enjoyed the evening, to say nothing of being able to help. You know. Serve others.
These two definitions aren't seamless. The doctor's point of view is that it is what we fear about others--their feelings, their lives, their thoughts toward us--and the harm we cause them that triggers the feeling of guilt. For the theologian, it is an internal thing, one about personal choices that aren't kosher. If Dr. Burgo's distinction were applied, Elder Bednar here is talking about shame.
In line with Dr. Burgo's argument that "core shame reflects early psychological damage that impedes growth; the capacity to feel guilt depends upon that psychological growth and could be seen as emotional progress", there is such a thing as "toxic shame". This is discussed, of all places, in a Spider-Man essay anthology I purchased shortly after my first son was born, now almost 10 years ago. In Webslinger: Unauthorized Essays on Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man, Joseph McCabe makes a case for "toxic shame", which he argues is manifested in the Sam Raimi films but not so much in the first decade of Stan Lee's exploration of the character.
He defines toxic shame this way, citing John Bradshaw: "the all-pervasive sense that one is flawed and defective as a human being...it is like internal bleeding" (107). Along with his likely agreement with Dr. Burgo's delineation between shame and guilt, McCabe argues that the film Spider-Man/Peter Parker is dealing with the concept of not being a good person--that his actions have hurt too many people (guilt) and that means he himself is an inferior human being (shame--toxic shame).
I don't disagree with the analysis, necessarily, and I find it's useful to consider here. I've often quipped that, being a Mormon, my superpower is being able to feel guilty, and that's likely true. But I probably have conflated guilt and shame. I certainly know that I have a tendency to mentally abuse myself when I have an enjoyable day (like I did today) at the expense of someone else's sacrifice (like my mother-in-law, who had to watch the boys because I was off enjoying the day with my wife).
In my church, because there's so much talk of service--its benefits, its godliness, its compunction for a card-carrying member--a lack of serving can shift from guilt (that someone was negatively affected because of my actions) into shame (I'm an unworthy person because of what I've done). Couple with the fact that worthiness is such a large section of Mormonic (not a word, but ought to be) doctrine, replete with interviews, confessionals, prayers (not rote nor assigned, but nathless expected), and--yes--service, it creates a feedback loop. I wrote recently about not wanting* to serve my school, and how I struggle to go beyond myself. That sentiment could be repeated on the weekly as I go to assist with the Cub Scouts in my neighborhood.
The thing is, I keep bumping up against the past experiences of helping and personally benefiting from it (avoiding both guilt and shame) and warring with myself about my own selfish desires. It reminds me of Eek! The Cat, a '90s cartoon show that was probably way too violent and hence was taken off the air.
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| "Sure, it never hurts to help!" Then the pain begins. Source. |
This is hard, because avoiding service leads to guilt and shame, and those are, according to Elder Bednar, pain-spasms of the soul. I guess I will have to learn how to better listen to these lessons and avoid what hurts.
----
* The experience ended up being very positive and I enjoyed the evening, to say nothing of being able to help. You know. Serve others.