There's something that I really want to talk about, but I don't know if there's ever a place or venue in which I should. I know that I shouldn't talk about it here or on Twitter, as I have students who read both. Even if I don't share such an essay online, it'd be online, archived and ready for viewing. It isn't that I think that this Topic is so horrible or scandalous that students shouldn't read it, but rather I don't know if I want to talk about this Topic with them.
I could verbalize it; make my wife suffer through my poorly constructed ideas and rambling sentences. That's the most likely outlet, but I don't know what I expect by airing this Topic, so I don't know if it will help or hinder my feelings. Additionally, it's difficult to know when to have important conversations, what with the differences in patience, energy levels, and emotional states of the different participants. Sometimes, I'd really like to talk about something, but it's pretty obvious that my wife isn't interested. The reverse is also true, usually when I'm trying to fall asleep and that's when the conversation starts.
While this Topic is a specific one right now, there are plenty of other Topics that fall into this similar region, one where shriving is hard to do and, as a result, these Topics are tamped down and there they are ignored...or fester. What, then, is one to do?
It's part ontological, because the concept of who one is finds itself tied into the concept of what one does and that, in turn, derives by what one thinks, and--in a larger expression--that is selected by what one represses. There are plenty of things that are worth repressing, and our society is built, in its most fundamental capacity, as the agreed upon repressions, those urges which are decided upon as unhealthy to the individual, the family, or the society as a whole. Do I think of stealing something from the store? Not particularly, but then again, I have stolen before--tangible things, like the time when I was five or six and took a candy bar, asked Mom to buy it, was told no, and then failed to put it back on the shelf, only to find its melted remains in my pocket later (or a story similar to this one that many--if not most--people would recognize). My point is, stealing has been ironed out of me by virtue of my upbringing, my genetics, my religion, my country, and my own decisions. So, yeah--repressing a theft impulse is a good type of repression.
But what about other things? Since I'm not talking about my Topic (just talking about it, y'know what I'm sayin'?), it can be a little sketchy, and maybe that's why I don't know what to do. I know some things are wrong and ought not to be encouraged, defended, or embraced. I don't feel that the Topic falls into that category, yet I know it's not a "safe topic", either.
And, in a lot of ways, the issue of self-censorship is important. (And I've modified the word "censorship" specifically, since most societal demands that control speech and behavior aren't censorship, lacking as they do governmental or state authority to enforce the ban.) Self-monitoring, self-editing, and navigating the world as much with other people as oneself is tricky business. Who I am as opposed to what I think can be at odds, in part because of an expectation to conform. And, should I choose to no longer conform, I have to be aware enough of society and culture to anticipate pushback and disapprobation from the community. In other words, I have to be aware of how my choices affect others, choosing to put the status quo over personal desires in some cases.
Ugh. I broke off part way through the essay, and now I'm lost in what I was trying to say. Chalk this one up as a lose.
Blah.
I could verbalize it; make my wife suffer through my poorly constructed ideas and rambling sentences. That's the most likely outlet, but I don't know what I expect by airing this Topic, so I don't know if it will help or hinder my feelings. Additionally, it's difficult to know when to have important conversations, what with the differences in patience, energy levels, and emotional states of the different participants. Sometimes, I'd really like to talk about something, but it's pretty obvious that my wife isn't interested. The reverse is also true, usually when I'm trying to fall asleep and that's when the conversation starts.
While this Topic is a specific one right now, there are plenty of other Topics that fall into this similar region, one where shriving is hard to do and, as a result, these Topics are tamped down and there they are ignored...or fester. What, then, is one to do?
It's part ontological, because the concept of who one is finds itself tied into the concept of what one does and that, in turn, derives by what one thinks, and--in a larger expression--that is selected by what one represses. There are plenty of things that are worth repressing, and our society is built, in its most fundamental capacity, as the agreed upon repressions, those urges which are decided upon as unhealthy to the individual, the family, or the society as a whole. Do I think of stealing something from the store? Not particularly, but then again, I have stolen before--tangible things, like the time when I was five or six and took a candy bar, asked Mom to buy it, was told no, and then failed to put it back on the shelf, only to find its melted remains in my pocket later (or a story similar to this one that many--if not most--people would recognize). My point is, stealing has been ironed out of me by virtue of my upbringing, my genetics, my religion, my country, and my own decisions. So, yeah--repressing a theft impulse is a good type of repression.
But what about other things? Since I'm not talking about my Topic (just talking about it, y'know what I'm sayin'?), it can be a little sketchy, and maybe that's why I don't know what to do. I know some things are wrong and ought not to be encouraged, defended, or embraced. I don't feel that the Topic falls into that category, yet I know it's not a "safe topic", either.
And, in a lot of ways, the issue of self-censorship is important. (And I've modified the word "censorship" specifically, since most societal demands that control speech and behavior aren't censorship, lacking as they do governmental or state authority to enforce the ban.) Self-monitoring, self-editing, and navigating the world as much with other people as oneself is tricky business. Who I am as opposed to what I think can be at odds, in part because of an expectation to conform. And, should I choose to no longer conform, I have to be aware enough of society and culture to anticipate pushback and disapprobation from the community. In other words, I have to be aware of how my choices affect others, choosing to put the status quo over personal desires in some cases.
Ugh. I broke off part way through the essay, and now I'm lost in what I was trying to say. Chalk this one up as a lose.
Blah.