In other news, water is wet.
I have three kids, all boys, aged nine, six, and three. They're pretty great as brothers--playing well together (for the most part) and generally being wonderful little humans. The other day, my oldest mentioned some discrepancy in the way I told them to behave and how I behaved.
I don't really remember the details, and they don't matter for the broader point, but I did get short with him about the false equivalency in his comparison (not that I used that term, though I should have). I do remember asking him if he ever noticed all of the good things that I do, all the times I'm consistent, all the positive examples I provide. He didn't answer, in part because he probably got distracted by something.
Though I'm hardly the first to note this (Shakespeare has a good line about how the "good is oft interred with their bones" and another about our good deeds being written in water), it can be rather frustrating. I know that I don't necessarily acknowledge all of the positive things that happen--either that others do or that transpire naturally--but I try not to focus exclusively on the negative that I see around me.
But I'm willing to bet that my kids don't see it that way. It's a turd in the oatmeal concept: It doesn't matter how delicious the rest of the oatmeal is, if there's a turd in there, the whole thing's ruined. Also ruined? Most likely, your desire for oatmeal any time soon.
In fact, anecdotes of experiences past very much show that, in my children's minds, at least, it doesn't matter what happens in the day, if it isn't 110% what they wanted and expected, it was a top-to-bottom disaster. I guess binary thinking in this way comes with the ages they are, and I ought not to be bothered by them, but...it gets under my skin. And unlike with my students, who I only have to tolerate for 100 minutes a day if they bug me, I kind of live with my children. I also have a larger responsibility toward them than I do with the students I interact with by contract and wage for four- to five hundred minutes a week. So criticisms from my children rankle more, cut deeper.
I also wish I could get a reboot on my relationships with my eldest. He and I are quite stubborn, and it's hard to see how I can patch up so many mistakes moving forward, in part because I'm still stuck in my behaviors and tendencies that led to weakening our relationship's foundation. Perhaps this, however, is another instance of seeing things differently--maybe on the whole, my oldest son actually thinks we're okay and I'm the one who's focusing on the negative.
Man, this stuff is hard.
I have three kids, all boys, aged nine, six, and three. They're pretty great as brothers--playing well together (for the most part) and generally being wonderful little humans. The other day, my oldest mentioned some discrepancy in the way I told them to behave and how I behaved.
I don't really remember the details, and they don't matter for the broader point, but I did get short with him about the false equivalency in his comparison (not that I used that term, though I should have). I do remember asking him if he ever noticed all of the good things that I do, all the times I'm consistent, all the positive examples I provide. He didn't answer, in part because he probably got distracted by something.
Though I'm hardly the first to note this (Shakespeare has a good line about how the "good is oft interred with their bones" and another about our good deeds being written in water), it can be rather frustrating. I know that I don't necessarily acknowledge all of the positive things that happen--either that others do or that transpire naturally--but I try not to focus exclusively on the negative that I see around me.
But I'm willing to bet that my kids don't see it that way. It's a turd in the oatmeal concept: It doesn't matter how delicious the rest of the oatmeal is, if there's a turd in there, the whole thing's ruined. Also ruined? Most likely, your desire for oatmeal any time soon.
In fact, anecdotes of experiences past very much show that, in my children's minds, at least, it doesn't matter what happens in the day, if it isn't 110% what they wanted and expected, it was a top-to-bottom disaster. I guess binary thinking in this way comes with the ages they are, and I ought not to be bothered by them, but...it gets under my skin. And unlike with my students, who I only have to tolerate for 100 minutes a day if they bug me, I kind of live with my children. I also have a larger responsibility toward them than I do with the students I interact with by contract and wage for four- to five hundred minutes a week. So criticisms from my children rankle more, cut deeper.
I also wish I could get a reboot on my relationships with my eldest. He and I are quite stubborn, and it's hard to see how I can patch up so many mistakes moving forward, in part because I'm still stuck in my behaviors and tendencies that led to weakening our relationship's foundation. Perhaps this, however, is another instance of seeing things differently--maybe on the whole, my oldest son actually thinks we're okay and I'm the one who's focusing on the negative.
Man, this stuff is hard.
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